The Tamesis
I never knew if I would get married, but if I did, I’m sure I’d want to elope. Don’t get me wrong – I love weddings. Dancing, noise, ceremony (I cry all the time), making friends with random people by the fire pit at 1am, celebrating the people I love most. But none of this felt right to me. I’m lucky to have a lot of great and very close friends, but we mostly get together one-on-one or in small groups. I despise being the center of attention, so much so that I haven’t had a birthday party in over a decade.
But then, I fell in love, got engaged about three years later, and that night, my fiancé and I talked about what our wedding would be like. He had every reason to want to commemorate the occasion with our family and friends. The compromise we reached was to find the sweet spot between an elopement where it was just us and a more traditional wedding – a civil ceremony followed by drinks, snacks and cake with about 35 of our nearest and dearest.
In terms of budget and organization, it feels doable and I think my mom will be happy. Over the years that my partner and I have been dating, I know that she fears that we will one day elope and get married without telling her. I knew it meant so much to her when we exchanged rings and made our commitment to each other. But I’ve also always seen the appeal of romantic, spur-of-the-moment, things that don’t involve anyone else.
When I told my mom, she was excited. But I also quickly realized that I was entering a minefield. Maybe it’s true for anyone, but it’s especially true for me because I’m Indian.
I was born in Kolkata in northeast India and moved to London with my mother when I was seven. I have been here since then and my mother moved back to Kolkata about ten years ago. I have no family here – I stay in touch with my mum, cousins and aunties, whom I see every year or so when I return to India for weddings and other celebrations.
Weddings in India have changed a lot in the decades I’ve been attending them. Today, many places are smaller, more modest, and more personal than the places I visited as a child. But the word “small” is relative. I’ve been to weddings with about 800 guests. Many times, I truly had no idea who the bride and groom were and had never met them. I go with my aunts or grandparents and it’s usually their neighbor’s son/doctor’s daughter/friend’s granddaughter’s wedding. I had a great time, eating well, chatting, and people watching. Now, small weddings are attended by about 300 people.
The thing is, there are benefits to elopement. It’s not particularly common in the Indian community, but if you and your partner get married in secret without inviting anyone, you (I think) can actually avoid the awkwardness and politics that often accompany wedding guest list planning. Hey, you didn’t tell anyone, so technically no one was slighted, right? But, it soon became clear to me that what was worse was that I had done something very, very small. Because at that time, everyone Being slighted.
My partner and I had a lot of friends that we wanted to attend the celebration, and about 10 family members that we were very close with. He didn’t have a large family, so for them, the decision wasn’t controversial at all. However, on my end, the problems started right away. Can I have a separate wedding reception in India with hundreds of other people? That’s not what I want to do. Okay, but how could I not invite all these relatives? Well, I tried to explain, I’m not really close to them. We didn’t really talk. We don’t really have any relationship. If including them meant not including the friends I see regularly and who have been by my side during the most important moments in my life, that felt wrong. As expected, this didn’t go well.
