The Tamesis
Like many black women who date white men, I can’t help but compare my experience to that of Ciara Miller.
Three years ago, Miller, a beloved cast member of “Bravo” summer house— and for a time the only black person on the show — struck up a relationship with new roommate West Wilson. The two had an interesting romance over the summer that ended with West sending mixed messages and using his newfound fame to date. But that’s not why their relationship became a matter of international interest. That Wilson began secretly dating another roommate, Miller’s close friend Amanda Batula, and posted a joint admission on social media earlier this spring.
While I don’t have friends who date my exes, I’ve been in situations where, because I’m a black (and trans) woman, I wasn’t completely taken seriously as an option for the white people I dated.
In a season that aired before the scandal, Miller discussed her experience dating in white spaces: She was harshly criticized by the black community for dating outside of her race, and white fans resented her with jealous rage. I can totally understand.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shocked people with the men I dated. For others, the problem is that they ultimately don’t believe that traditionally handsome white men should be with women like me. Batura’s indignation in part one summer house The reunion immediately reminded me of these instances: Although Batula claimed to be sorry, her defensiveness betrayed her true belief that she was a better match for Wilson than Miller.
Certain conversations, thoughts, and concerns arise for women like Miller and I: Will I be seen as a marriage prospect for a white man? How would his family receive me? We know we are valuable and we are desired – but does this extend beyond the bedroom? We knew we could date anyone, any way—but we were prepared for the extra scrutiny and fatigue.
I actually started watching summer house Just before the scandal came to light. This was recommended to me by two friends at different stages of their lives, both of whom knew that I would identify with the funny, beautiful Miller and her dating history on the show. The first scene that caught my attention was when Miller told her cast members that when she was dating, she didn’t want to be seen as a experience, Or try something. What she means is that she doesn’t want to be sampled and discarded like some exotic fruit; she wants to be seen as a viable partner. When I ended my eight-year relationship and started using dating apps, I had to write the same thing on my resume: I wasn’t interested in being someone’s experiment.
More than once in my dating life, I’ve had a man tell me he wasn’t looking for anything serious or label-y, but then ended up in a relationship with a woman who was the complete opposite of me. it hurts. I wanted to know if the person he chose was a better fit for his family and friends (yes); if the relationship was easier for him because they had a similar cultural background (probably); and finally, why he wanted to start working with me (a question I’ll never get a straight answer to).
Miller had the privilege of holding her ex-husband accountable for his face, surrounded by cameras and with the world watching. But unfortunately, even so, Wilson did what I’ve seen too many white people in his situation do: He sat there, dodged any questions that made him uncomfortable, and let Batula take all the heat.
