The Tamesis
As we all know, the New Year is synonymous with reinvention. Change is not only encouraged, but has become so ingrained in us that it feels as if everyone has been brainwashed overnight. The coworker who served tequila at the office Christmas party started Acroyoga. The young relative had a 36-hour party on New Year’s Eve and built a small swimming pool in his garden. That friend who has barely slept all December has started sending you TikTok clips about biohacking. Suddenly, everyone is really into protein.
It makes sense that dating is included in all of this. As a single woman, I’m constantly inundated with messages online (and offline) telling me that now is the perfect time to improve my love life. I feel as though I need to start the new year in a new way maximize my profits. Refreshing dating app profiles, healing my attachment style, going on double dates, chatting with people in new settings… all this hard work and apparent “self-improvement” put me in the best possible position to get that most coveted thing of all: a relationship. Or at least, you know, someone to sleep with.
It’s an alluring premise, which is why I gravitate toward it so often – putting my love life (and libido) on the line as the clock strikes midnight. This actually led to a lot of bad (and even pointless) decisions, like spontaneously dating men who slipped into my DMs while I was dealing with the flu and sneaking lozenges in between glasses of wine. Or agreeing to an arrangement with a man I’m not interested in thinking I might randomly change my mind. I sought out people who were completely incompatible with me, ignored blatant red flags, and got completely carried away by the idea of someone.
Apparently, this is all January’s fault (I’ll leave the self-analysis to my therapist). After extensive field research, I’m convinced that, in fact, now is not the time of year for dating, or even for casual sex. Instead, it makes more sense to give yourself a period of sexual and romantic sobriety, taking time away from it all to invest in your hobbies, nourish your friendships, take care of your body, and channel all that newfound energy back into yourself and those around you. Perhaps by the end of the month, you’ll feel energized and ready for any romantic prospects that may lie ahead. Or, you know, maybe you don’t.
This year already feels different. After Christmas I quietly deleted the apps from my phone – something I’d only done when I was mad – and made healthy plans with friends to fill weekends that might have previously been occupied by dates: homemade dinners, movies, long walks, trips to see friends outside of London. This month I don’t feel like dating is something that I need to put much effort into, at least not to the extent that I’m looking for someone just to fulfill some arbitrary resolution an overzealous Instagram user told me to set. I’d rather prioritize myself for now. So far I would recommend it. If nothing else, not dating can save you a lot of time. Do you know how much management is involved in a pre-date beauty ritual?
I look back on this past January with a bit of resentment; I worry that I wasted my time and energy on others when I could have been taking care of myself. When we feel better about ourselves, we all make better decisions, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality especially When it comes to matters of the heart. Keep your January dry and who knows what February has in store for you. Or March. Or April. Whenever the rainy season comes, you will definitely be better equipped after a short break. Or a long intermission. Or maybe even one step away entirely.
