The Tamesis
No one tells you how weird adult friendships can be. I’m not just talking about making new friends as an adult, I’m also talking about maintaining the friendships you already have.
After all, in your 30s and 40s, getting together requires real Work. It starts with “We should catch up!” text. Then there’s a long back and forth as you try to find a mutually available date, usually three to four weeks away, and a mutually convenient location, usually somewhere in the middle of your respective workplaces. What follows is an exciting week of confirmation texts, followed by discussions about switching times—”Can you do it earlier? 6:15?”—which almost always inevitably leads to a last-minute cancellation of said plans because someone’s kid got sick. Or you are. And so on.
Of course, this is no one’s fault. We all fall into different spirals at some point. There is a whirlpool of marriage and children here. The vortex of marriage and divorce. The maelstrom of singles; dating; and forever “finding yourself” on a remote retreat. The vortex of climbing the corporate ladder, starting a business, or making a big career change. Everyone is busy. Everyone is exhausted. Everyone just wants to do their own thing.
At the same time, everyone is lonely. “Most of us mistakenly believe that we are lonely alone, but statistics show that about one in two people in the United States is chronically lonely,” explains Hider Shaaban, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and director of the Center for Psychotherapy in Philadelphia.
This is very sad. And it’s completely unnecessary. Below, experts share tips on how to better navigate adult friendships and maybe even make some new friends along the way.
What friendships look like after 30
Before age 30, many of our friendships are based on distance and convenience: our friends are usually people we know at school or work. We spend time with roommates, colleagues, and classmates and it’s easy to hang out with them because we have a lot of free time and energy for free planning.
After age 30, people place more value on friendships—partly out of necessity, but also because our values change. “It tends to be less about quantity and more about consistency, intention and flexibility,” says Christina Klein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Friendships may not look like long dinners or constant communication. Instead, they look like sending a quick check-in text, being someone’s emergency contact, or picking up their kids while stuck in traffic. Adult friendships are built on showing up when it matters, even if it’s infrequent or the timing isn’t perfect.”
In other words, our circles may be smaller, our gatherings may be less frequent and even a bit mundane, but our friendships may also become more meaningful. Because we may be going through more intense areas, like parenthood and careers, “expectations for emotional safety and reciprocity become higher,” explains Christy Ferrari, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist trained at Johns Hopkins University. “Since we spend less time with our friends, we spend our time with the people that matter most.”
How to maintain adult friendships
As our lives change, so does our ability to connect. This can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and the aforementioned loneliness. “The biggest shift I’ve seen is a mismatch with expectations,” Ferrari said. “One person may need flexibility and understanding, while another’s experience changes with distance or disconnection.” Here, Ferrari shares some ways to solve differential problems:
- Plans should be specific. For example, “Are you free for a 30-minute walk on Tuesday or Saturday morning?” is more effective than “Let’s plan something soon.”
- Adjust the way you spend time together. Try switching long dinners into shorter, more relaxed get-togethers, such as walking, running errands, or hanging out in the park.
- Naming changes. This could look like “I know your schedule is different now, but I would still love to see you and spend time together, what do you think would work right now?”
- Don’t take it personally. Cancellations, rescheduling and limited availability often have to do with capacity, not the extent to which anyone cares. Instead, focus on whether the emotional connection is still there.
