The Tamesis
Our relationship is secret and our universes are very separate. This guy doesn’t want to join life – he has his life and I have mine. In this private, safe space, he explains, there is us. He told me to guard it carefully, that it was a special thing we had. That’s what matters, not whether I’ve met his friends, or whether my friends know him. When I tried to broach the subject – I love my friends but saying nothing scares me – the man got angry, so I learned to let it go. But he was often angry. If I’m out and don’t respond to his text right away, if he calls and I don’t answer the phone because I’m having dinner (if I answer the phone, he’ll make small talk and suggest I leave the dinner to talk to him), if I tell him something he doesn’t like (it’s hard to know what he will like and dislike), if I plan a trip with friends, if I disagree with him. In the early days, he would call me and then stay silent, testing me, saying nothing, waiting to see how long I could wait. I never put the phone down. He often stormed out of restaurants, lost his temper, and left me alone in a strange city, silent for days on end.
One time he surprised me by suddenly appearing in town. I’m working on the script with Oscar-nominated director and screenwriter Michael Radford, who’s a good friend of mine. We were adapting one of my novels and it took me 17 minutes to apologize to Michael and leave. I know how long that was because when I called the guy and said I had made it out, he screamed at me for taking so long, then threw the phone in my face and didn’t see or talk to me for the rest of the day. More than once, when I got out of a taxi with this man, the taxi driver turned to me and said, “Honey, what are you doing? He’s not treating you right.” But they didn’t know him like I did. He is in a bad mood. He was under a lot of pressure. I made so many excuses for this man. He would have to yell and he would explain sadly because otherwise I wouldn’t listen.
Why do I stay? Honestly, I don’t know. I love him. I felt alone in the world and this man eased my grief. I thought there was something magical about him that could heal the things that hurt me, even if he hurt me himself. I wanted to build my own life and settle down. But most of all, I wanted to be a mother. Obviously, this man also wants children – why did I draw him as a monster? It’s just not the right time. It’s too early to settle down, he’s not ready, his life is very demanding, why should I nag him? If you’re unhappy, just leave.
I am 30 years old, 32 years old, 35 years old, 37 years old. Over the years, the right time has never appeared. For a while, this disconnected relationship, where I remained independent and the man remained basically a bachelor, was okay. I write books, travel the world giving talks, and we see each other every few months. It was exciting and spontaneous, but it wasn’t the life I wanted. I want a family. I want children and raise them. As the years go by, I get smaller and smaller. I lost weight, I kept too many secrets from my friends, couldn’t be close to them in any meaningful way, and felt increasingly isolated. I was a stranger in my own life, unable to recognize myself or ask for help because I didn’t understand that this could happen to a woman like me. How could I be in a compulsive relationship when I was strong-willed, independent, and independent in other aspects of my life?
If you want kids so badly but don’t want enough time, find someone else. Do you even know if you can have a baby? Why don’t you check it out? You have plenty of time to have a baby, you are only 39. Maybe next year we can talk about it. “Maybe” doesn’t mean “yes”. If you’re so worried why not freeze your eggs? Many women have children in their 40s.
