139 Thoughts I Had While Watching Emerald Fennell’s ‘Wuthering Heights’

The Blessed Affair Is Finally Here: Emerald Fennell’s Long-Awaited Adaptation Wuthering Heights has been officially released. Yes, it’s nowhere near true to Emily Brontë’s source material…but who cares, when the movie is such a hit? Live your life, English major nerds! (I can say this because I am one of you!)

Below, read word for word every thought I had while watching Wuthering Heights, And find out why Jacob Elordi’s Heathcliff made me add “man” back to my feeling set:

1. Well, what I thought was the sound of sex was actually the sound of someone being hanged.
2. Can’t say I care about these puppets.
3. Not a hanging dick print! Jade, you are so obsessed with this.
4. As someone who came to this movie dressed very slutty, I identified with the woman showing off her corset rack.
5. Oh my gosh, the titular wasteland.
6. The name of this movie is spelled in hair so creepy and cool and it really suits me.
7. “You look like a plate of corned beef” is a great way to greet a child.
8. Oh, this is little Cathy.
9. Very similar to Margot Robbie.
10. Kudos to the casting!
11. Why does it sound like someone is yelling “Skinner” off-screen, like Sheriff Chalmers?
12. Did she just name this messy kid Heathcliff?
13. After her dead brother?
14. I probably should have reread the book before watching this movie, but here we find ourselves.
15. Get rid of this bastard, Miss Nelly.
16. It’s almost like giving your child a person and saying “he’s going to be your pet” can lead to a weird dynamic between the two kids!
17. Would this still be a legitimate British romance if your initials weren’t pitifully carved into the rock?
18. Oh, poor Nelly.
19. I had a lone grown man loudly booing two giggling teenagers in my theater, which… I mean, they annoy me too, but live your life, bro.
20. This dad is a jerk, but it sure looks like fun to smash the plates at your forgotten birthday dinner.
21. 🙁
22. This sad, romantic English lad is the heart of “Boy Wells.”
23. Heck, Heathcliff and Cathy are adults now!
24. Join the neighbors!
25. Who made a fortune from textiles!
26. Jacob Elordi’s wig strongly attributes to Jesus, but it doesn’t no Works for me.
27. BRB, Google “how to blush Kathy Wuthering Heights cheeks.”
28. Kangzhou!
29. Guys, is getting rich off velvet gay?
30. Mist and gleeful slapstick? Things are getting intense!
31. Who could put the egg in Heathcliff’s bed?
32. This shot of Heathcliff touching the egg is so retro Emfin.
33. Ahhh, Heathcliff kept Cathy’s eyes from the rain, it was so hot.
34. No offense to our boy Elodie, but I saw someone on Instagram saying they couldn’t forgive Fennell for not casting Dev Patel as Heathcliff, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
35. Ladies, a man smashing a chair for you is usually a red flag, but in this case, since he’s making firewood, I agree.
36. Ladies and gentlemen, our first shot of Heathcliff shirtless.
37. Apparently neither Cathy nor I mind the sight.
38. OMG I loved this movie so much!
39. I feel like everyone else in the hotel had a real “did you two fuck?” attitude towards Cathy and Heathcliff.
40. This girlypop enthusiastically discusses romeo and juliet Shoshanna Shapiro really suits me.
41. I already hate the Lintons.
42. Cathy’s makeover gave LoveShack a new look.
43. In fact, I think Isabella might not be the sweetest person alive.
44. The strip room sounds bright, though.
45. It means Heathcliff is too sexy.
46. I’m worried I’m part of the problem.
47. Why do all girls secretly want to be seen as a nuisance? ! ?
48. JK, we actually want reproductive rights, but this dynamic is still mysteriously sexy to me.
49. Is this what Tina Fey calls her transformation into sexual violence?
50. But this isn’t even the third act!
51. Hot! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
52. Sorry, is it getting annoying for me to yell “HOT” during this review?
53. It’s all Jade’s fault!
54. And the definition of Elordi’s biceps!
55. Well, love the creative freedom Cathy takes to masturbate directly.
56. I thought for a moment she was on a horse and then got confused, but she wasn’t.
57. Bitch, if you don’t stop running away from this man!
58. This scene!
59. It wasn’t him lifting her up by the corset ropes!
60. I’m dead.
61. I am extinct!
62. Nelly needs a spinoff.
63. Mr. Linton made me feel the exact opposite of how I had just watched Heathcliff seduce Cathy.
64. I guess that’s the point.
65. Well, here’s a quick proposal.
66. Now don’t say too much about my daughter Nelly!
67. Nelly can really take out a bitch when she wants to.
68. Why on earth would Nellie be nice to you, Cathy?
69. Honestly, it makes sense for Cathy to let Heathcliff gallop, although maybe I’m not cut out for it.
70. Ah, the famous wedding dress.
71. This veil! ! ! ! ! !
72. The sound of the wet, sticky kiss between Cathy and Edgar would make me gag.
73. Cathy doesn’t seem to love them either.
74. God bless Isabella for making Cathy this creepy doll.
75. I must admit, I did long for this dollhouse like a kid.
76. Edgar’s green cloak is a bit fly, I’ll give him that.
77. This pink bedroom is horrific.
78. I would really love these little pink sunglasses though.
79. Well, it’s confirmed: owning a puppy is the pinnacle of luxury and sophistication! I am the Catherine Earnshaw of my time!
80. Never has a quick cut conveyed the adjective “sexuality” so clearly.
81. one Miss Hanged? Girl boss town!
82. It’s just that parents don’t understand.
83. It was indeed a puppy.
84. I love the way lesbians used to give each other gifts.
85. The news is revealed!
86. Or, in ordinary terms: Cathy is pregnant.
87. Eggs in the bed?
88. Heathcliff is back and he has some tricks up his sleeve!
89. And a little hair style!
90. And bisex earrings!
91. He looks like my friend Jordan.
92. The idea that Cathy would now do anything but have sex with Heathcliff for 24 hours straight was mind-boggling.
93. I guess he’s too busy having a pipe, a cane, and an attitude, though.
94. Don’t believe that bitch, Isabella.
95. In fact, you could take it all out on Cathy’s weird voodoo doll. You earned it!
96. Cathy is the worst.
97. And yet… is it hot for me?
98. I have severe mental illness from being involved in this.
99. Not to mention how I feel about Heathcliff’s gold teeth!
100. When women say, “Marry her for all I care,” they are definitely not being dishonest.
101. God, Edgar is such a jerk.
102. Rest in peace, damn dad.
103. Well, they have to do it now, right?
104. Again, I really should revisit this book.
105. Never has a man put a coat on a woman so sexy.
106. all the best.
107. Oh, maybe not.
108. I’m not a fan of Cathy, but damn, Heathcliff, after her father’s death, I’ll just keep going.
109. Making out with a guy wearing tiny earrings against a stone wall… I miss Berlin.
110. Oh yeah, I forgot Cathy had a kid.
111. Finally, Miss Fennell told us what we were here for!
112. (Actual gender.)
113. Loving Edgar basically gives Cathy a pink padded sex room in which to conduct her affair.
114. This wet white shirt is not reminiscent of the infamous scene from Mr. Darcy pride and Prejudice!
115. Well, at least she couldn’t get pregnant twice.
116. “Not half as much as you like to cry.” Finish her off, Nelly!
117. Seriously, Hong Chau absolutely stole the movie.
118. “Isn’t that your tongue in my mouth, Cathy?”
119. Someone calm me down!
120. Oops, pregnant :/
121. In fact, this doesn’t seem to slow Heathcliff down at all.
122. “I’m going to drink the fucking blood”…oh, the man is back, baby.
123. For me personally.
124. If they were Jacob Elordi.
125. I was so Isabella (talked about having a big game about wanting a man’s body and then freaking out when the opportunity actually presented itself).
126. I wish a man saying “I’m going to treat you badly” ever turned me off, but, Isabella, girl, I say it again: I’m right there with you.
127. Oh my angel, he will never be nice to you.
128. Moreover, isn’t this Heathcliff’s point of view?
129. To be honest, I wish men had told me their evil intentions so clearly and directly when I was in my 20s.
130. If I were Nelly, I’d use any version of LinkedIn yesterday.
131. Heathcliff…a true freak…my kingdom belongs to one of them!
132. Guys literally say, “I’ll be waiting for you day and night” while keeping a chick tied up in their house.
133. Oh, friends 🙂
134. Love Nelly’s chic little cape.
135. Girls love to be reminded of their famous hypochondriasis on their deathbeds.
136. Ahhh, dead Cathy 🙁
137. Oh, the childhood memories piss me off.
138. Middle comments be damned, Emfin did her big thing in this movie (in my humble opinion).
139. I don’t want to be a glib millennial, but if all parties involved had access to some SSRIs, maybe the outcome of this movie would have been different.